Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite