Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
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[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.