@Momtoteens: When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.
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@carlyken: Kids, in my day we didn't have text messaging. We had to write a "Do you like me? Yes or no?" note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: You've got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you? Me: Boiling water? Doctor: Ha! No,you're dying.
@BoogTweets: Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me "Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon"