HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
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From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?