@T_Bonezzz_: When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
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@Nawyourecrazy: Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them. *selfies*
@cwhudson: BARTENDER: okay man, here's your appletini MAN: [upset] this isn't what i ordered BARTENDER: i'm sorry? MAN: why isn't it a tiny apple
@EBenita0517: When ever a girl wears a shirt saying 'I Woke Up Like This' I resist the urge to say I'm sorry about that.
@Marlebean: I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed.