@T_Bonezzz_: When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
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@JasonLastname: 1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
@underchilde: I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.
@jumpdashark: My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
@pork_steaks: "Was this car tested on animals?" "sir animals can't drive" "will this car enable animals to drive?" "No" "SO YOU DID TEST IT!" "god damnit"