When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Grandmother clock.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
they really do be looking like this
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.