@T_Bonezzz: When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier
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@Cpt_Burnout: Guy: "Do you have a lighter?" Me: "Yep" Guy: "You smoke?" Me: "No, you just never know when you're gonna need to light someone on fire."
@leslid79: I wish there was a show called "Lifestyles of the Twitter Famous" so we could all see how nice your mom's basement is.
@WhaJoTalkinBout: My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.