The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
when dads have a rap battle
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*