ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
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2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’ve had relationships like this
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
the last thing a carrot sees
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …