@TheHoyBoy_: When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors
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@SooInnocentDad: My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home
@david8hughes: [my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award] Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now Narrator: that's why he's the best
@Tmoney68: Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies. Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
@foodfacenow: Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets *later* Me:*holding a snake to date's face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.