If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
You Might Also Like
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
text from my dad when lebron broke the record