@samuelhlowe: When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors.
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@clindsaysway: Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup: Dad: Who are you routing for? Mom: I'm routing for it to be over.
@Paul_Eaton1: Putting on a clean pair of underwear everyday is a great way to have seven pair on by the end of the week.
@ProdigyNelson: Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was exp- Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card Her: *softly* holy shit
@PJTLynch: Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat