humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”