Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Got him!
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.