A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
is this a warning or an offer?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
so weird how every mom was born today
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?