How I like cutting carbs
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I cannot stop laughing at this
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets