@samthe8th: When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I'm a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
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@Sparticus_af: waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
@Playing_Dad: *Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work* Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses...seen the coffeemaker?
@PaperWash: Man's guide for a selfie: 1) Squint your eyes like your cool 2) Look off into the distance 3) Put your phone down 4) Don't take the selfie
@Home_Halfway: DATE: What do you do for a living? ME: I create makeup kits DATE: Oh that's so cool ME: Yeah, I'll put one together for you DATE: Aww you're making me blush