@samthe8th: When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I'm a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: Tell me about your weekend. Bob: Why? You never ask. Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative. Bob: That's disgus- Me: It worked! Bye.
@Eightinchgoat: I wonder which lie came first: "Oops, wrong hole!" or "That's never happened before!"?
@omgthatspunny: This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
@timdonakowski: Pee your name in the snow and you'll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.