In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
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Feels like the fourth month in January
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord