CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent