please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
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I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah