My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Penguins walking in 5x speed
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship