When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
You Might Also Like
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Whoa… oh I see lol
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
We found love in a hopeless place.