when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Britain be like
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex