@nachosarah: when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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@Tommytoughstuff: [I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it] "I'm sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?"
@IamEnidColeslaw: Why aren't the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
@OutOfLeftField_: Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He's not ill, just really crap in bed.
@ibid78: "Your word is 'oujia'" -could you use that in a seance? [spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won