when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I’m aging like a fine banana
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”