When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
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Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.