When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.