When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
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Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.