@trevso_electric: When I hear commercials say "win a trip for you and six friends" I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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@weinerdog4life: Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.
@truegritrumble: ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis. ME: Yep. ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
@notalogin: If you see a kid who's physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they've never noticed and will thank you.
@RobDenBleyker: Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.