When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Okay
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
crochet youtube is brutal
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster