when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
You Might Also Like
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
April 1st is the class clown of days.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here