@itsdivbaby: when i hear fat people say that they've made mistakes, i always think to myself, "yeaa...at the grocery store."
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@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
@THEDUTHCHESS: A poster with a mugshot saying "Have you seen this man" So I rang up and said No. You have to do your bit for society .
@protolalia: He paid me $150 for the "girlfriend experience," so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
@daemonic3: Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the "free candy" on my van. *crosses off "candy" and writes "wi-fi"