When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
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*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
The Joker was right
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.