@StellaRtwot: When I hear "This call is being monitored for quality assurance" I think "Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job."
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@Brianhopecomedy: *takes selfie, sends to wife* Wife: "No." *takes pants off* *tries on another pair in The Gap change room* *takes selfie, sends to wife*
@causticbob: I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."
@shawnspree: Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3? Me: Maybe you're pregnant? Wife: What's wrong with you? *damn you webMD, damn you.
@WilliamAder: I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.