@StellaRtwot: When I hear "This call is being monitored for quality assurance" I think "Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job."
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@iscoff: if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you're born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
@Annoyedworld: I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that's why my tattoo is hot nurse. -LA Ink.
@MarfSalvador: Cop: I can only hold you for another hour Criminal: Then you're just gonna let me go?! Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
@LizHackett: It's 11:48 PM. You can't sleep. Underneath your bed, there's a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.