When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
You Might Also Like
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.