Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
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Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus