[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.