[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today