When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
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There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂