WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Green is just blue that someone peed in
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?