ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My dress code is business-casualty.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché