Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS