When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me too, bag. Me too….
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking