@Carbosly: When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think "wow, whoever sat here was very thin".
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@envydatropic: According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80's that brought you any level of fame
@TheTalkingPipe: It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn't laugh at something.
@_correctomundo: Nephew: What's love? Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!
@JediGigi: Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you Me: [painting her toenails] I need a "for instance"