@Carbosly: When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think "wow, whoever sat here was very thin".
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@AndyAsAdjective: [my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"
@Marcmywords2: Hey dad, the hospital called, patients are trying to rest, could you please turn down your television.
@brendohare: Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
@CornOnTheGoblin: me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone [doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs? me: im trying to tell you