@Carbosly: When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think "wow, whoever sat here was very thin".
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@MyPolishFace: Me: guess what I shaved! Him: your armpits? Me: no Him: your mustache? Me: no Him: your nec- Me: I don't wanna play this game anymore
@withanewname: It's like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
@d_duhwit: Judge:"Since we can't prove who's baby it is we will ... cut the baby in half Worm Mom 1:"Sure Worm Mom 2 :"Ya do it.
@AntiJokeTyrone: A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby