judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
You Might Also Like
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.