I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol