@DulciePlaid: When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@JermHimselfish: I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
@kwirkyKerri: Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.
@brettminor: In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn't have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
@psybermonkey: [Kids party] Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked? Me: yep [Backyard] Mortician: next we'll cut open the chest cavity like so...