When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
#FunnyLife Insects
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them