When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Sunday
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.