When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
yeah no that’s fair
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?