When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
#ProTip
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I can’t stop laughing at this
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE