If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
🤣😂🤣
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.