When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
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When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it