@DirtMcTurd: When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper "yes, please don't stop" because people need to learn not to talk to me.
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@KentWGraham: My wife doesn't believe that auto correct changed "Yes dear" to "Hell no I'm not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am."
@DamienFahey: Just used the holiday card with your kid's face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: scalpel NURSE: scalpel M: sclissors N: scissors M: neeble N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain M: *nods head diagonally* toast