“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
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challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.