When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
When they try to steal your moment.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’