@Elizasoul80: When I misplace something and you say "where did you have it last" I feel like you don't know what misplace means.
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@WilliamAder: Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
@schlimp: Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
@mrjohndarby: Dr: Does it hurt when I do this? Me: Yes, a bit Dr: And now? Me: Yes, that's very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
@CakeThrottle: Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. "It's pronounced Jarfield" he says through tears